Scary Monsters 2 : Sister Pacts

pact poster

Beatricia Beatricia: I don’t usually go for horror movies. I was actually going to make us re-watch HBO’s “The Pacific” but my hand slipped, and so here are “The Pact” and its imaginatively titled sequel, “The Pact 2.”

Annie Barlow (Caity Lotz) is a brash young woman who begrudgingly returns to an apparently haunted family home after her mother’s funeral. There, she encounters some sort of murderous slender monster who lives (perhaps) within the walls of the house and might (perhaps) be some notorious “Judas Killer” who terrorized California. But the real monster, if you ask me, is the bratty, perpetually braless child who missed her mother’s funeral on purpose. Why? Just because the mother kept one-too-many crucifixes around the house? No excuses.

In the sequel, (spoiler?) there’s ANOTHER brash young woman, June, (played by Camilla Luddington); another apparently haunted house with lots of slamming doors; and the Slender Man, I mean “Judas Killer,” who still pops out through depressing wallpaper, even though now he’s EXTRA dead. Like Annie Barlow, this June girl is also sort of unappreciative toward her mother, but at least she pulls her weight and has a job as a Trauma Scene Decontaminator. Speaking of Trauma Scenes: Trent! Tracey! One of you better grab some Lysol and do something about the upstairs bathroom soon! Ah, what’s the point, they can’t hear me. I’m like a ghost to them.

Cousin Franz Cousin Franz: Both “The Pact” and “The Pact 2” walk that blood-splattered line between the haunted house story and the serial killer story- and then they hop back and forth across the line. Then they possibly slip on the line, and fall down, and get a concussion, and stop making sense. There are as many holes in these plots as there are in the flimsy walls of these houses. But the first movie does maintain a sort of oneiric, Lynchian atmosphere, (although this is a “Twin Peaks” from which all character, humor, and sensuality has been suctioned).

Father Hank Hank: Scary stuff! See, babe, that’s why I never go into the woodshed to work on that spice rack I said I was going to make. What if there’s a serial killer hiding in a nook? Worse, what if it’s haunted?

Beatricia Beatricia: The garage or the spice rack?

Father Hank Hank: Haunted garage! Haunted rack! Either! Both!

Trent Trent: “The Haunted Rack” is a masterpiece of erotic fantasy. “The Pact,” less so.

Grandpa Felicius Grandpa Felicius: Perhaps the most puzzling element of both “Pact” movies is that, as far as I could discern, there are no “Pacts” involved whatsoever. It seems the filmmakers dipped their hands into a top hat full of possibly ominous titles and picked at random. Then again, I could have missed these “Pacts”; my attention waned somewhat after the first risible twist.

Tracey Tracey: The women in these movies are courageous, and when it’s time to go ghost-busting they don’t bother with hand-holding help from worthless macho-cops. However, in BOTH movies, the male directors, (Nicholas McCarthy in the first; Dallas Richard Hallam and Patrick Horvath in the second) see fit to compress their heroines in tiny tank tops, and then position the camera to film right down the women’s quivering cleavages. It might even be the SAME tank top! Why is it always tank tops? Why don’t ghosts ever pursue girls in parkas?  Do parkas repel the paranormal?

Trent Trent: Hahaha! HOR VATH! Hey, Tracey, isn’t a Hor Vath what you have to take after the Anime Lovers Club is done with you?

Tracey knife Tracey: Oh, look, Trent, there’s a haunted knife in my hand! It appears to be aiming for your throat! I wish I had the power to stop it somehow, but it’s just SO HAUNTED, you know?

Beatricia Beatricia: Last kid standing has to clean the upstairs bathroom!

Blurbarella Blurbarella:  “Apparently Haunted– Perpetually Braless– Heroines– Depressing Wallpaper– Possibly Ominous.”

2 out of 6 Cherries

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