Trent: So Adrien Brody is freefalling for miles! That’s it, that’s the beginning of 2010’s “Predators”! No explanation, no exposition, just a guy dropping through the sky! This is how you know my brah Brody is tougher than Arnold and Danny Glover put together, despite the fact that he looks like that sensitive substitute art teacher who might break down sobbing if some mean girl mentions his nose. He crash lands in a jungle. WHICH JUNGLE? WHICH CONTINENT? WHICH PLANET? That’s a mystery! And who’s there with him? Why, Danny “Machete” Trejo, (because this is a Robert Rodriguez production, see)! Future Oscar Winner Mahershala Ali as a warrior from Sierra Leone! Walton Goggins from “Justified” as an American hick! “Queen of the South” Alice Braga as the only girl! There’s also a Russian and a Yakuza, from some movie or other I don’t feel like looking up. But they’re bad-ass! Everybody is bad-ass, except…Topher Grace from “That 70s Show” as a jittery doctor?
Anyway, the hunt is on! And now there’s as many as six or seven Predators involved!
Cousin Franz: Ah, so here is formal Hollywood with a proper “Predator” sequel. It’s similar to the one I hypothesized, except that instead of Arnold as the clued-in veteran, we get the much better Laurence Fishburne, who can actually expound lore as well as do his thespian duty. This is exactly what one would expect… but it’s delivered twenty years too late, so no cherry.
Hank: Fun movie! And I think Grandpa Felicius can appreciate that beneath the foul language, what we have here is a tale as old as time. Or at least as old as Richard Connell’s “The Most Dangerous Game”? With a touch of Agatha Christie’s “And Then There Were None.” Perhaps Grandpa is reminded of Jules Verne’s “The Mysterious Island”? Or of his beloved H. G. Wells’ “The Island of Doctor Moreau”!
Grandpa Felicius: It reminds me of “Lost,” you fool. Quit perpetuating myths about my decrepitude; I can still make plenty of changes to my last will and testament. Anyway, “Predators” is the pinnacle of this series, as far as the cast and the dialogue. Much like the Human Papilloma Virus is the prefered venereal disease, as far as the mildness and curability of its symptoms.
Beatricia: It’s all ridiculous! It’s never explained how the Predators, an uber-barbaric race of grunting hunters, arrived at their insanely advanced state of intellectual, industrial, and technological development! How did these six or seven silly killer monsters get through enough scientific breakthroughs to develop faster-than-light airships? Director Nimrod Antal must have slept through his evolutionary anthropology class. As for Adrien Brody, he’s terribly miscast. Wasn’t Tom Hardy available?
Tracey: AAAAHHHH!!! Get it away from me!!! I just don’t like the way it looks!!! It’s so gross and offensive!!!
Trent: Adrien Brody’s nose, right? It’s pretty out there.
Tracey: No, idiot, I’m not as petty as that! I find him quite handsome. I meant The Predator! I don’t see why people are into the creature. At least the Aliens have that slick H. R. Giger elegance. This is just disgusting. It’s got that great wide open maw that’s clearly meant to be a vagina dentata, and then the face is half-reptilian, with the little fly hairs. YUCK. KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Blurbarella: “Freefalling– Breakdown– American– Girl– Tom– Petty– Into The– Great Wide Open.”
3 out of 6 Cherries