Hungers and Fangers 1: Castlevania, Mediocria

castlevania

Trent Trent: Let’s sink our fangs into this rare steak (OR IS IT STAKE?) of vampiric videogaming! “Castlevania” has come all the way from the land of the eight-bit to the land of the BIG BITE! Thanks to Netflix and comic-booker Warren Ellis, the classic tale of the Belmont family is finally winging into town. IT’S SO VIOLENT! Cherry!

Father Hank Hank: I have many fond memories of playing “Castlevania” with the kids and I still recall getting the willies when I realized that Alucard was Dracula backwards! BUT I am so sorry to say this show, centered around Trevor Belmont and based on whatever “plot” there was in “Castlevania III,” is mediocre by any account.

Beatricia Beatricia: Dreadful. The children of the blood moon deserve much better than this atrocious, quartered cartoon. Meanwhile Anne Rice’s “Vampire Chronicles” hasn’t gotten the sumptuous, expensive, sensual adaptation I so dearly ache for!

Cousin Franz Cousin Franz: Warren Ellis wrote this? The guy who wrote “Transmetropolitan” wrote this? No. I would need to see proof.

Tracey Tracey: This is some tired, low-budget fake-anime. Maybe if they had tried to somehow elicit any of the pleasures of the platformer games, or throw in some visual nods to the beautiful artwork that has graced the series throughout the years, I might have cared. But this is for suckers.

castlevania2

Grandpa Felicius Grandpa Felicius: Ah, Castlevania. Land of delight!

Where skulls glisten/

And chopped-off ears listen/

To the whistling of the bat wings in the night!

Where the vampire Vlad/

Takes a friendly old lad/

And regales him with a trick/

then impales him with a stick!

Blurbarella Blurbarella: “Violent– Kids– Deserve–This– Beautiful–Bat.”

2 out of 6 Cherries

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