Animal Graces 1 : Amores Perros

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Tracey Tracey: There’s a puppy just outside the Picksherry house. He’s all sniffly and trying to get into the doggie door. He’s brought something with him. Awwww, he’s brought us a movie!

pugmclure Pug McClure: Beware! Bong Joon-Ho (“The Host,” “Snowpiercer”) may act like one of the best directors in the world, and his latest feature, “Okja,” probably just popped up on your Netflix, but I have proof that he’s a MONSTER. We’re talking Roman Polanski stuff! “Barking Dogs Never Bite,” his debut feature from the year 2000 (that’s 10 million in dog years!) is a supposed comedy where humans strangle, mangle, and eat dogs. They also drop them from great heights. BEWARE!

 

Father Hank Hank: A long-suffering loser adjunct (Lee Sung-jae) keeps hearing the tell-tale bark of a dog somewhere in his apartment complex. He kills one dogo, but the barking continues. Soon, dogs are disappearing all over the place. Meanwhile, the manager of the apartment building (Bae Doo-na, who’s currently on “Sense8”) gets a sense of purpose out of catching the culprit.

Tracey Tracey: As a member of PETASS (and here I have to specify that PETASS, the “People-for-the-Ethical-Treatment-of-Animals Sympathizer Society,” is in no way affiliated, endorsed, or even acknowledged by PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), I have to agree with Pug McClure and say NO to this movie. Just NO.

Cousin Franz Cousin Franz: There’s a great, comedic, macabre scene in here that contains one of the subtlest, briefest dolly zooms on record, there only to announce that Bong Joon-Ho is well-versed on film history and the possibility of Hitchcockian suspense. The scene itself does not recall “Vertigo,” but rather “Strangers on a Train”- because there’s an actual train that decapitates a person. As the movie jokes, “Even a Ph.D’s head isn’t a match for a train.”

Grandpa Felicius Grandpa Felicius: Whenever I publicly declare that Koreans happily consume dogs, I am subjected to these strange glares from people who assume that, because I am no longer a leaping lad, I must therefore succumb to racist stereotypes. But look at the evidence! They make movies about it! “Barking Dogs Never Bite” even has a grizzly scene involving dog soup!

Barking.Dogs.Never.Bite

Beatricia Beatricia: It’s all cultural. Westerners have no problem eating pigs and cows, and they’re every bit as adorable as dogs. Humans eat 25 million dogs yearly.

Trent Trent: Come here doggie, doggie! Amma leash ya! You’ll be a fine addition to the Picksherry Family!

pugmclure Pug McClure: No! This is only a cameo! You’re not taking me seriously! Bong Joon-Ho is a monster! Won’t you listen to me? You, shiny urinal thing, help me!

Blurbarella Blurbarella: “No Cutesy Dogs Allowed by Court Order– Terminate– Terminate.– BLAAAAAAAST!!!!”

3 out of 6 Cherries

EPILOGUE

Father Hank Hank: Babe and I were able to tackle down Blurbarella. Her radioactive blasts were deflected toward our radish patch. Pug McClure escaped unharmed, and I am sure we will see him again. Upshot: our radishes have been growing to delightful-

Beatricia Beatricia: –Alarming–

Father Hank Hank: Sizes. Yum! Can’t wait for the Picksherry Family to harvest these blossoming neon-glowing beauties! I’m sure no wacky complications will arise from that!

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