Scary Monsters 7 : Requiem for a Scream That No One Can Hear in Space

Alien-vs-Predator

Trent Trent: ‘Sup! Way back in the days of the two zero zero zeroes, movie studios decided monsters had to fight it out! Everyone was doing it! Cinema synergy! Freddy vs. Jason, King Kong vs. The Planet of the Apes, and of course, the two movies that solved the question of which space oddity would win if the xenomorphs and the predadorks went at it:  “AVP: Alien vs. Predator” and its sequel “REQUIEM!”

Beatricia Beatricia: I’m expected to believe that Predators somehow influenced Cambodian, Egyptian, and Mayan architecture as they sent a few of their teenagers on rite-of-passage hunting missions? This is ABSURD.

Father Hank Hank: I kinda liked the first one? It had some cool moments? Lance Henriksen? The shifting pyramid?

avp2

Cousin Franz Cousin Franz: Paul W. S. Anderson is not Paul Thomas Anderson. He is also not Wes Anderson. He is Paul W. S. Anderson, and that is his burden to bear.

Grandpa Felicius Grandpa Felicius: And the less said about the incredibly incompetent follow-up, the better.

“REQUIEM” is laugh out-loud awful! An imbecilic abomination! Not only is it the nadir of both the “Alien” and “Predator” franchises, it is such a dense black hole that its suction might also apply to adjacent franchises, like “Transformers,” or “Terminators.” There you go. “AVP: Requiem” is the worst “Terminator” movie.

Trent Trent: What! I give it a cherry! Because I thought I was gonna see another Alien Vs. Predator movie, and yet “Requiem” has a romantic switcheroo! It’s really about a gangly pizza delivery boy who somehow gets the attention of the school’s hottest girl. What’s her motivation, you ask? She says she’s sick and tired of her popular, handsome jock boyfriend and she’s ready to “fire him”! So then, she invites Pizza Face to sneak into the high school pool where she reveals that she didn’t bring appropriate swimwear! This is a love story for the ages.

alienvprequiem

Tracey Tracey: “AVP: Requiem” was clearly written by fanboys. I mean, this is trash. There is no sense of proportion there! Why should we spend any time worrying about the plight of a pizza delivery kid who argues with his manager at Papa John’s and has trouble making a delivery without insulting his customers? There’s a UNIVERSAL WAR between Aliens and Predators! It is–

Grandpa Felicius Grandpa Felicius: Dismal film-making, devoid of any moral center. Mere carnage.

Tracey Tracey: You read my mind, Grandpa Felicius.

Blurbarella Blurbarella: “Showdown!– Cinema Synergy– ABSURD– Paul W. S. Anderson– Imbecilic Abomination– Fire him!”

2 out of 6 Cherries for the first, 1 out of 6 Cherries for the second

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