Hungers and Fangers 3 : Once Bitten, Twice No Thanks

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Tracey Tracey: Get bit by the “Bitten” bug! (Werewolf bug!) This underappreciated werewolf saga is based on Kelley Armstrong’s “Women of the Otherworld” paranormal romance series. It follows  Elena Michaels (Laura Vandervort), a she-wolf who splits her time between the normalcy of Toronto and the lunacy of Upstate New York, (Syracuse, to be precise.) In Toronto, she’s a fast-shooting photographer with an endlessly supportive boyfriend; in Syracuse, she’s the sole female among a whole clan of hunky werewolves. Notable among them: the solemn Alpha of the Pack, Jeremy Danvers (Greg Bryk); and Elena’s original “biter,” Clayton (Greyston Holt). When a “mutt” starts offing humans without license from the Danvers, Elena and her wolfies go on their own hunt. But before they transform, of course, they need to be conscientious and strip. Clothes are expensive! Werewolves can’t be ripping through new outfits with every full moon!

Cousin Franz Cousin Franz: “Bitten” unconvincingly name-drops Carl Jung, (the dropping is done by Clayton Danvers, your average beefed-up, underwear-model-looking anthropology professor.) But this is not exactly philosophical fare, and any musings about “the animal within” are simply filling time in between scenes of soft-core nudity.

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Father Hank Hank: I’m sorry, kiddo, but I’m holding back the Cherry on this bad dog. “Bitten” is strictly “Lifetime After Hours” material.

Trent Trent: They should have called this “Butt-en.” Lots of butts hanging out here, and the ratio of boy-butt to girl-butt makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I ain’t the targeted demographic.

Tracey Tracey: Oh, is your sexuality threatened by all the cute glute on display? Maybe you’re worried “Bitten” is gonna change your location on the Kinsey scale!

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Trent Trent: I’m worried I’m going to turn into a furry, what with all this werewolf porn! Incidentally, is Pug McClure looking seductive today, or what?

pugmclure Pug McClure: AAAAAHHHH! Leggo my tail! Someone, quick, distract him!

Father Hank Hank: This should do it:

Beatricia Beatricia: Darlings, don’t fight! Instead, let’s rejoice together on a show that proves once and for all that the female gaze is every bit as disgusting and debasing as the male gaze. I can stomach “Bitten,” but it has to be noted that the whole concept of “Bitten” is based on a persistent fallacy. The Alpha Wolf myth has been rejected by every self-respecting zoologist, including L. David Mech, the scientist most responsible for popularizing it. In the wild, wolves have no such thing as “alphas”; their packs are composed, much like human “packs,” of parents and children who co-operate on the hunt until such a time as the young cubs are adult enough to go off and form their own families. 

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Grandpa Felicius Grandpa Felicius: Ah, “Paranormal Romance”! The ideal genre for those who are too dumb for literature and too meek for pornography.

Trent Trent: Grandpa, are you a werewolf? Because you are SAVAGE!

Blurbarella Blurbarella: “Underappreciated saga– Average– Werewolf porn– Too Dumb– SAVAGE!”

2 out of 6 Cherries

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