Savior Machines 8 : Blade (Runner) of Glory; or THE TOP 5 BLADE RUNNER CUTS!

Previously: Gash Flordon had managed to wrestle the Ominous Onyx from the claws of Admiral Fungal, while Princess Seductia was about to be whipped into a frenzy of passion in Lady Domina’s Lust Dungeon. Halfway across the galaxy, Brock Harrow had just learned that the Fear Foundation was plotting to probe deep into the dark, swampy, untamed depths of Uranus in search of valuable Turdunium- and only an uneasy alliance with the Baby Dinosaur Army could stop the forces of evil.

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Also, back at the Picksherry home, it was revealed that the suddenly perspicacious young man everyone believed to be Trent was actually an android planted by Blurbarella.

Blurbarella Blurbarella: “It is Confirmable.– This Suddenly Perspicacious Young Man– Everyone Believes to be Trent– Is Actually an Android Planted by– Me.”

Father Hank Hank: How could you, Blurbarella? Give me back my son!

Tracey Tracey: Well, I mean, it doesn’t have to be done right away; we don’t want poor Blurbarella to feel pressured into doing things. Then we would be no better than the robot masters in Philip K. Dick and Ridley Scott’s nightmarish near-futures!

Grandpa Felicius Grandpa Felicius: Bring back the ugly boy this instant! Without him, how can be my legendary bloodline contaminate new generations? The girl is at least 30% Sapphic, I won’t put my mighty eggs in THAT hole-prone basket!

Blurbarella Blurbarella: “Very Well– Replicant Strategy Terminated– For Now. The Original Trent Is Locked Up in Garden Shed, Near the Radioactive Radishes.”

trentquiet Trent: MMMM MMMM MMMMM

Beatricia Beatricia: Oh, poor darling! She’s gagged you with duct tape, and she’s tied you all up with the garden hose! Lemme help.

Trent Trent: ? Oh no, I did that myself for fun, ‘cause I got bored in the shed.

Cousin Franz Cousin Franz: WAIT. How do we know if THIS is the real Trent, and not another positronic poser?

Tracey Tracey: Easy. Trent, what is “Blade Runner” about?

Trent Trent: About a razorblade named Bladey who decides to be the first inanimate object to run in the Summer Olympics?

Father Hank Hank: Welcome back, son.

Beatricia Beatricia: Blurbarella, what virus possessed you to do all this?

Blurbarella Blurbarella: “I Only Wanted– A Chance to– Speak Up– and Feel like I Belong– In the Family.”

Tracey Tracey: What for? Most of us want to quietly sneak OUT of the family.

Blurbarella Blurbarella: “So I Could– Release this List of– THE TOP FIVE BLADE RUNNER CUTS!”– As it is Widely Known– Classic “Blade Runner” (1982 Dir. Ridley Scott, Composer Vangelis,  Starring Harrison Ford, Sean Young, and Many Other Human Individuals)– Had 47 Different Cuts Released– Each a Fascinating New Experience that Entirely Alters Tone, Plot, and Meaning– (Except for Cut #13, a.k.a. “The Cut that is NOT the Theatrical Cut but Looks Entirely Like the Theatrical Cut.”) Here are THE TOP FIVE!”

1- The “Product Placer’s Delight” Cut.

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Whereas the original movie proudly took cinematic product placement into the future with its conspicuous visual references to Coca Cola, TDK, and the Atari company, the “Product Placer’s Delight” Cut, brought to you by Gillette, goes even farther. When we first meet Deckard, he’s at a P. F. Chang’s restaurant being accosted by a bum, who asks: “Hey copper, you got a Lucky Strike?” To which Deckard replies: “Of course! The future would be intolerable without them! It’s like that song released by Columbia Records says: ‘Got my Lucky Strikes and my Kit-Kat Bars/ Good enough for me, I don’t need no Mars!”

2- The “Bob Newhart Voice-Over” Cut.

The Proton Transmogrification

This cut replaces the overly-expositional, (and rather flat) Harrison Ford voice-over used in the Theatrical Cut with an entirely new recording of befuddled octogenarian comedian Bob Newhart trying to parse the plot: “You… You are doing what, Deckard? Chasing androids by… visiting a crummy burlesque show? With snakes and all? Yes, I can see why you might be, ah, tempted to take a breather. But the androids could be in Poughkeepsie by now.”

3- The “Peter Jackson” Cut

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Celebrated Australian director Peter Jackson became interested in doing his own cut of “Blade Runner,” since he felt that Ridley Scott’s sparse world needed some fleshing out. The “Peter Jackson” Cut expanded the movie into four manageable sessions of 3 and a half hours each, allowing fans to gain additional insight into the movie’s many colorful characters. We learn about Pris (Daryl Hannah) and her difficulties understanding how humans apply make-up; about Chief Bryant (M. Emmett Walsh) and his courageous battle with Irritable Bowel Syndrome; and about Gaff (Edward James Olmos) and his weekly visits to a Continuing Education Center, where he attends an Origami 101 class. The “Peter Jackson” Cut ends with a full hour of Roy Batty (Rutger Hauer) delivering the mournful “Tears in Rain” monologue, which now touches on topics as diverse and edifying as agricultural subsidies to Martian farmers, the love life of tardigrades, and the early paintings of Andrew Wyeth.

4- “Blade Runner Redux.”

This cut is almost the same as the 1986 U.S. Theatrical Release, except now every single line of dialogue can be re-interpreted as a scathing, satiric condemnation of the Vietnam War.

5- “Ridley Scott’s Post-Final Transcendental Cut”

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After releasing the “Director’s Cut” in 1992 and the “Final Cut” in 2007, Ridley Scott still felt essentially dissatisfied with the film’s awkward pacing, so in the summer of 2009 he contacted Juan Carlos Fantasisimo, a Quechuan Shaman who claimed he could summon Philip K. Dick’s ghost in the form of a pink laser beam through a complicated ceremony to be conducted at Warner Bros. Studios in Burbank, California. Unfortunately for Scott (and for the history of cinema), Fantasisimo turned out to be an alias for renowned swindler Little Jeremy Sandusky, who absconded with all known available prints of “Blade Runner.” Little Known Fact: Ever since then, everyone who thinks they’re watching “Blade Runner” is actually watching the similarly-themed 1983 classic, “Indiana Jones and the Robots That Had All The Feels.”

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