Hank: This was my mistake. I acknowledge it. I thought “The Emoji Movie” might be a family-friendly Cherry-earner, a treat that we could all agree on. I thought: “Hey, everyone can relate to frownies and smilies and feeling meh!” I thought and I thought and I thought.
Well, I thought wrong. Here’s the plot summary of “The Emoji Movie,” copied and pasted from the studio perpetrator’s propaganda, because I would feel embarrassed by typing this down:
The Emoji Movie unlocks the never-before-seen secret world inside your smartphone. Hidden within the messaging app is Textopolis, a bustling city where all your favorite emojis live, hoping to be selected by the phone’s user. In this world, each emoji has only one facial expression – except for Gene, an exuberant emoji who was born without a filter and is bursting with multiple expressions. Determined to become “normal” like the other emojis, Gene enlists the help of his handy best friend Hi-5 and the notorious code breaker emoji Jailbreak. Together, they embark on an epic “app-venture” through the apps on the phone, each its own wild and fun world, to find the Code that will fix Gene. But when a greater danger threatens the phone, the fate of all emojis depends on these three unlikely friends who must save their world before it’s deleted forever.
Sounds cute, right? A little ”Inside Out,” a little “The Lego Movie.” And look at the cast! Anna Faris, Christina Aguilera, James Corden, Jennifer Coolidge, Maya Rudolph, Patrick Stewart, Rachael Ray, Sofía Vergara, Steven Wright, T.J. Miller! I mean, at least TWO of those people are actual voice actors and not just entertainers who said, “Sure, I have nothing better to do this weekend.” They definitely had nothing WORSE to do. Unless they were plotting some kind of massacre on Pasadena. So, “The Emoji Movie” was terrible. The fam is upset and Babe isn’t even talking to me. Babe, I’m sorry!
Tracey: It’s, like, we get it! We’re trapped by apps! Emojis are infantile but we all use them! Higher thought processes are constantly being curtailed! Technology gets increasingly amazing as the masses become increasingly idiotic! Don’t scrape our faces on it! We like to match colors and will pay to see pretty lights, W R StOpid! GAh!
Grandpa Felicius: As crass a commercial enterprise as can be envisioned. Beatricia, I shall never understand why you diluted our bloodline with the genes of a man who took us to “The Emoji Movie.”
Beatricia: Hanky’s a charmer, I can’t stay mad at him too long. But for making me watch that:
Cousin Franz: Well, if you think about it, what Hank was trying to show us by exposing us to “The Emoji Movie” is that we, as a family, can endure almost anything the world throws at us.
Hank: I admitted this was a mistake! When will I be forgiven?
Blurbarella: “Nadir– of Electronic– Commercialism.– Do Not Blame This One– on the Robots. Humans are– Dumb.”
0 out of 6 Cherries